Everyone feels a bit of anxiety
Warning: this post can be triggering, but we felt it important to share it exactly as the author intended it to be read.
Hey Anxiety, we don’t know each other well but you trolled me once and now I’m onto you.
For those of you who don’t know, anxiety is a feeling of nervousness, or uncertainty, or even a combination of both.
Most of us don’t realise when we’re experiencing it because, like me, you’re set on the notion that anxiety isn’t common, but it is. I think everyone experiences some sort of anxiety attack in their lifetime. It’s a part of being human, of being able to think and feel. It’s those moments when you walk into a room and everyone has their eyes set on you, or when you overthink things because he/she took too long to reply, or even the time you took a shit at work and it wouldn’t flush straight away so you begin to feel hot and panicky. Look, I know you get it!
We get anxious about things every day and though the severity of it can range it doesn’t mean you’re a stranger to it.
During the start of summer 2020, I experienced my first anxiety attack/attacks. It took place over a few weeks. My body was radiating an abnormal amount of heat, I was overthinking a lot and my chest randomly ached. I was truly convinced I was going to have a heart attack and die, yeah God-forbid. But I was so sure of it I thought it was out of my control. I said nothing to no one because I was still me, self-assertive and positive despite all the crappy news I kept getting. There was a clear correlation between the bad news and the stress on my body but it was difficult to notice because I powered through it by focusing on what was going on in the bigger world, and being very vocal about it.
I was also very invested in being present and practising peace so when things started to heal with time I stopped believing it was my time. The worry about how I would book a GP appointment amid a pandemic just to tell my doctor I felt unwell had faded, the symptoms faded. And then five months later I watched a video about a girl explaining how she had an anxiety attack. I wasn’t even interested in it, this was a secondhand watch but as she explained what her attacks were like it triggered my memory. It was an ‘aha’ moment when I realised my mind had been playing tricks on me. I wanted to slap myself, I’d forgotten that whole experience and gladly so, but I was even more glad I knew what it was now because I knew that if the time had come again I would be able to spot it.
So how do you catch yourself in that moment? First of all, if something in your body doesn’t feel right you’d go to your doctor, wouldn’t you? So at that moment, it should have been as simple as I don’t think I’m gonna make it, I should probably tell someone I trust.
Sometimes telling people can give you a fresh perspective on things like when your friend notices your bum has gotten bigger because you’ve been working hard in the gym but you genuinely thought you hadn’t made any progress. As strong-minded as you may be, a nudge of encouragement or a small telling off can go a long way when it comes to getting you on the straight and narrow.
Secondly, focusing on external things outside of your head can really help slow your thoughts down. Something I did a lot was close my eyes and take deep breaths. I focused in those moments on my breath, what I could hear around me, what I could feel on my skin, and letting my muscles relax. Typing in ‘mindful meditation’ on Youtube and clicking on whatever came up helped keep me on track with focusing on everything outside of my mind. I also bought a painting book and painted for hours on end at times. It sounds so simple but focusing on getting perfect strokes into the crevices of different patterns literally takes up all the mental room for other thoughts. I would aim for twenty minutes and end up doing an hour and a half on average of painting.
Lastly, I did things more spontaneously. I kept telling myself to live in the moment and I did and I loved it. I went for bike rides and walks, I tried snacks from different countries, I got into more shows, I tried following Chloe Ting’s ab workouts and I saw my friends.
The thing is, we know ourselves well enough to know when we’re acting or feeling out of character, I knew I was but I didn’t know what the root of it was and that probably slowed things down.
Anxiousness affects us all but to what extent is where it somewhat separates us. Some people feel it quite intensely on a near enough daily basis and that is what makes it a disorder. For others like myself, it’s as rare as witnessing an eclipse but not strange. I couldn’t have known I was going through something like that at the time without any external input because I had already overruled that possibility long before it even happened. I was lucky enough to get through it without a scratch but that isn’t always the case, for some, it can snowball into greater issues somewhere down the line and that isn’t what we want.
No one is bigger than the other side of their mind, we can delude ourselves by simply overthinking and that’s why help when you think you need it most, is paramount.
In the end, hearing an outsider speak about it brought awareness to me and what I went through, and in reading this I hope it brings awareness to you too.
Words written by Aduke Adeyeye, follow her on instagram on @hhaduken