Removing the shame of being a young black man with OCD
Trigger warning: This post contains content that some readers might find upsetting. We felt it important to share the content as it was provided, but reader discretion is advised.
For three to four years, I knew something was wrong with my mind.
Finally, earlier this year on June 4th, it snapped.
I was diagnosed with OCD (obsessive-compulsive disorder), a mental illness that creates guilt, shame and embarrassment due to the taboo nature of uncontrollable intrusive thoughts.
Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder is a serious anxiety-related condition where a person experiences frequent, intrusive and unwelcome thoughts, otherwise known as obsessions.
Intrusive thoughts, we all get them. Those without OCD dismiss them automatically with little consequence or anxiety, we with OCD cannot - a thought pops into our head and we are suddenly overwhelmed by an unnaturally high level of anxiety and then we continue to worry (understandably) because we can’t get rid of the thoughts or the feelings of fear. And, if it were as simple as thinking about something other than the thoughts, we wouldn't be tormented by OCD.
Shows like ‘Obsessive-Compulsive Cleaners - All 4’, were a terrible representation and an ill-informed education to viewers as to what OCD is like. The first episode aired in 2013. It presented OCD as an advantageous and superior trait, where people with the condition would come and help people with extremely dirty homes. Nine years on, OCD remains a deeply misunderstood mental illness associated with an incessant need for cleaning and symmetry. In fact, ‘only 26.5% of people with OCD actually have cleaning compulsions’, according to OCD UK.
I live with Sexual orientation OCD and Harm OCD. Sexual Orientation OCD, otherwise known as Homosexual OCD, is a subset of OCD in which sufferers constantly question their sexuality. It's estimated that 10% of people with OCD have this specific subset. A Sexual Orientation OCD sufferer can obsess about being homosexual, heterosexual and anything in between. Harm OCD is another common subset of OCD where you fear causing harm to others and yourself.
Sexual orientation OCD displayed itself through a dream, where I woke up with an unfailing conviction that I became gay overnight. I was so consumed with anxiety, I vomited and compulsively couldn't stop looking for evidence that I wasn’t. The OCD then migrated next to Harm OCD when an intrusive thought of sexual assault popped into my mind when I was with one of my female friends. I screamed at her to leave, fearing I could hurt her.I was raised in a matriarch, consisting of an army of strong, confident women, after my Dad died on Christmas day; hurting a woman is the last thing I could or would ever want to do. This new obsessive thought pattern terrified me.
As a result, I believed the best thing I needed to do was find a therapist, any therapist would do. But, OCD is much more complex and requires specialist therapy. I quickly found a Psychodynamic therapist. Quite simply, Psychodynamic therapy makes OCD worse If you have OCD, you need CBT ERP, Cognitive Behavioural Therapy Exposure Prevention, where you learn to sit with the anxiety that thoughts create, allow anxiety to reach its peak then fade out with therapeutic support; it is a gradual process and a good therapist does not overwhelm you with exposure tasks.
Then, Suicidal OCD presented itself, adding to the mix of chaos in my already turbulent mind. Suicidal OCD is a subtype of OCD in which people fear they will lose control and kill themselves. I was out with my friend and an image of suicide popped into my head. Then the OCD took hold. Out of fear, I ordered an uber. I thought life was over, I called all my friends telling them I was depressed, wanted to die and didn't want to be here anymore. My friends were distraught and I couldn't see past my pain.
The next couple of days eating, showering and basic care of myself were heavily neglected. I did not see out of the pain in my mind. It was depression.
I woke up on Saturday 4th of June, my mind was flooded with all the thoughts. I was desperate for help. Luckily, I found a therapist online called Emma Garrick who saved my life. I pleaded for a phone call, where I was crying my eyes out, asking “Am I a bad person?, Why am I having these thoughts?, I don't want to hurt anyone, please what's wrong with me?.”
Emma immediately knew I had OCD. Therapy began on Monday.
Emma gave me hope, confidence and belief again that I would be okay. She has lived experience of OCD, which thus proves recovery from OCD is tangible. And here I am, further proving that recovery from OCD is possible; you can still have the intrusive thoughts and understand it says nothing about you.
I now am a volunteer advocate for Orchard OCD, the only UK-based charity funding better and faster treatment for those with OCD. I believe I am one of a few black people, if not the only black man in the UK at this point in time who speaks unapologetically about their OCD journey.
OCD ultimately destroys your sense of identity and those who live with OCD know the pain of building yourself up from the bottom. Writing my story is to give hope to the hopeless and a voice to the voiceless. I hope and pray that this article has helped to educate you as to what OCD really is and to share an insight into what truly living with OCD is really like.
Social media is an incredibly influential tool for birthing long-lasting change., Alongside my public speaking via TEDx 2022, and TEDx 2018, modelling, influencing and journalism), I am on a mission to remove the shame of having OCD, whilst educating people as to what OCD really is.
Words and image by Shaun Flores. Follow him on: